Update, damn I suck at blogging lately

Okay, so I don't know what's changed, but I feel a LOT more positive about my job choice. I recently went to Los Angeles for a week of training and spent most of the time out there talking to new business owner/agents that have less experience and are dealing with FAR greater obsticles than I. For example, the single mom with two kiddos and she's starting her own business, just like me. But minus the support of a fabulous husband (who also brings home a pretty decent income to support me in the style I'd like to become accustom to) Or, the young father of one, whose wife is expecting baby number 2 in the middle of December. What the hell are they living on right now? It wasn't really a learning experience from the training aspect, but talking to other people who are trying to work out the exact same issues as me was abso-freaking-lutely awesome. Needless to say, I came back to hillbilly country with a far different outlook on how to run my business. First and foremost, I REFUSE to let myself get so stressed out that I cannot function. So, I updated my crazy meds and started drinking more. (Kidding! at least about the crazy meds part. :-)

I'm talking about issues with the spouse as well. Holding stuff back so he doesn't worry won't do either of us any good, and could possibly hurt our relationship. That's veddy veddy bad. But, consider that shit nipped in the bud.

Also, I managed to crank out with the Christmas shopping. Visa is gonna probably call to see who Really Used that Card, because normally I'm a pretty conservative credit card user. But, fuck it. I'm broke and the kid's birthday is next week. Christmas a few weeks after that. I bought the 'happy' gifts first. You know, the ones for all the little kids in your life that you love and Cant Wait To See Them Open This From Aunt Ang!!!!!!! That kind of stuff always puts me in the best Christmasy moods. Then I bought Frosty the Snowman ring tone for my cell, so it would remind me to unclench and have some eggnog, beeyotch. Last night I even left work about an hour early to wrap gifts and get the under the tree. Now, I still haven't bought the 'boring, sucky' gifts. You know the ones I'm talking about. The gift-card-only-please-include-a-receipt-i-only-shop-here difficult crap. Like for father-in-laws and obscure 2nd cousins on your husband's side that you only see once a year, and for the past three years you've receieved the exact same suck-ass pair of 99 cent bin gloves...... Yeah, those gifts. The ones that you just want to write them a check and say Ho Ho Ho.

sidenote: I'm being unfair about the father-in-law thing. He's not too hard to buy for, and they always get me something fabulous. Sorry, my bad.

This Friday the kid has invited 10 girls to spend the night with her, for a birthday slumber party. I always advise the girl to over-invite because around the holidays its difficult to get everyone to show. Well, 8 girls rsvp'd so I guess this weekend is going to be filled with cake, sleepover squeals, presents, and Valium. (okay, if I put the Valium in the cake, do you think anyone would ever find out?) Kidding! I wouldn't waste the good stuff on some little girls! :-)

I'm bitching about it, but honestly, I'm really excited for my baby girl. She's turning 11, and acts 21. She's 5'3", 102 pounds and already has curves AND her period. WTF?? When did she grow up on me? The funny thing is, the only way I can convince the child to come sit with me and give me hugs and kisses is to threaten to have another baby to love on. THAT gets her running to me with open arms. I miss that tiny little girl who couldn't pronounce 'rl' together. (as in girl or world) The baby who would crawl up in my lap and shower me with kisses that I didn't have to beg, bribe, or blackmail for. THAT's the kind of stuff worth stressing over.

Not, some stupid idea that I'm a bad businesswoman. That I can deal with.

Wish me luck with the party, and if you actually have Valium, send it my way! I'll accept vodka as well.

I'm trying to figure something out, so bear with me. This is important. In June, I left my job of almost 13 years and opened my own business. Same industry-insurance, but just doing it for myself rather than someone else. I've invested a significant amount of time and MONEY into starting this venture, and am now seriously second guessing my decision. I hate working all day alone. It's boring and drags me down mentally. I see our hard earned savings dwindling away and feel helpless and powerless to do anything about it. I'm unable to qualify the loss by saying "I'm investing in my family's future". I don't know if this is just a fear of failure, or depression, or just a negative attitude. I don't know what to do. When should I call it quits and just stop pretending that I'm going to make a go of this? Or is this just depression talking? I feel inadequate and lazy and I KNOW I haven't given this 110% like I should. Maybe that's my problem. I'm a type A perfectionist with OCD. Maybe my depression stems from innate knowledge that I'm not performing at my personal best, therefore I'm undermining my own ability to thrive as a business woman. Or maybe I'm just terrified of what having a failed business under my belt would do to me mentally, therefore I'm not giving it my best effort in an attempt to justify said future failure. Or maybe I'm just fucking crazy and my meds need to be updated. All I know for certain is if I get fired from this, I might never, ever be the same.

Every single muscle in my body is bitching and carping about the insane amounts of Taebo I did this weekend. But, in spite of an anniversary dinner a deux and a birthday party for the nephew with cake and ICE CREAM, my lovely, lovely nemesis, I still managed to drop two freaking pounds this week! Whoo the freak hoo! Also, peanut butter ice cream, filled with chocolate peanuts and chocolate covered pretzels??? If it was calorie free, fat free etc... I would totally give up sex for the rest of my life to be able to eat a freaking VAT of this stuff daily. I think it was called Hog Trail or something like that. It's by Yarnell's and since I live in Razorback country (whoot!) I'm assuming only Special K will know about this.

Yesterday was my 2nd weigh in and I. lost. another. pound. Whoot! That's 7 all total! Eleventy kajillion more to go.

The job front is sucking a little less this week. Today is only Tuesday so... I'm still hoping for Fabulous and getting Mmkay. But, I'm positive and working dilligently and all that rah rah go Ang crapola. Also, door to door marketing? In August? In Arkansas? Sucks!!

The spouse has been in Vegas 'working' and today is our 12 year anniversary. I think I need to take my lunch and mosey on over to Shoe Carnival and shop for my gift. Doncha think that's only fair? He's getting beer and showgirls and slot machines (after 'work' is finished for the day) and I'm getting WW meals, solo parenting and Taebo. Who's gonna be more stressed after this week is over?? hmmm? Definitely something new shoes will cure.

Tonight I willingly allowed the rug rat to invite over 4 squealing girls for a pre-back-to-school sleepover. I figured if I can't do the romantical anniversary crap then I should at least get the gold star for my parenting skills, right? I mean, the kids will never notice that I'm hiding in the bedroom with the newest Sherilyn Kenyon book and a large(ish) glass of merlot. With ear plugs in.

Wish me luck with that.

Okay, Monday was my very first weigh in at WW, and I lost six pounds! Score! I haven't lost six pounds in years. I've been following the points thing and getting in some activity and eating more whole grains and chugging more water. I'm not saying this is easy, because last night PMS was winning over the wanting-to-be-thin-again me. I ate two WW fudge bars and a bag of 1 point popcorn after dinner. I was proud of my restraint, because never once did I screech at the husband to go get me some Yarnell's Death By Chocolate NOW Beeyotch! And Italian take-out! And some valium for chrissakes! And a bottle of Gray Goose. Because all of those things would have totally ruined my points schedule for the next two or three weeks. Except for maybe the valium, but I don't have a prescription so.....

Anywhoo, I'm coming to the conclusion that planning is the main key to success at this WW thing. Planning menus and snack ideas and activities to do. I've discovered that as long as I keep a 100 calorie pack or low-fat granola bar in my purse, then it keeps the crazy hunger thing from overpowering my week-willed ass while I'm out running errands and away from the safety of my own kitchen. I have hope. We'll see how it goes from there.

The job front is still sllooooowly chugging along as well. Being a business owner is something akin to bleeding heavily out of your femoral artery. You know that if you don't get off your butt and DO something that you're gonna die, but everytime you seem to make progress you just start hemorraging (money) again. Case in point: do you have any clue how much it costs to advertise in the yellow pages? Yeah, me neither until today. Hundreds of dollars per month. HUNDREDS, as in more than a car payment, but not quite a mortgage payment!!!!

I think I'm gonna stick with homemade signs for now. :-)

My horoscope said I'd come into some surprise money today. So far, I'm still waiting. Damned yahoo astrologers probably lied. Or if it's the truth, I hope that it's not something horrible like finding out someone's life insurance is suddenly about to pay off. I mean, I DO have principles!!!

I also have new and exciting information to share. Yesterday I joined Weight Watchers online. I mean, I found the scale where my darling husband has been trying dilligently to keep it from me (strictly at my urging!) and when I got on it I almost fell off again. I knew I had packed on some pounds since I quit smoking. I mean, I recently had to rape my Kohls card to get bigger pants for officewear. But I had NO freaking clue what I actually weighed. Yes, I'll give you the number: 163. There! I said it. Internet, be kind. I'm currently fragile in the self-confidence arena. No wonder those size 10's hanging in the closet actually screamed and ran away the last time I reached for them.

So, yesterday I began the flex plan, counting points and all that stuff that I can't recall ever doing before. In my teens, I drank a Slim Fast for lunch once in a while and retained my girlish figure. In my twenties, all I had to do to drop pounds was slack off the clubbing a little. (ie. the boozing) Now that I'm in my thirties, I had begun to wonder if Taebo was actually a BAD thing. It sure doesn't help the numbers on the scale, but I can totally kick ASS after a few weeks of early morning sessions with Billy. So this time, I'm going to do the WW thing for a bit, and once I get a handle on all the meal planning and counting and being held accountable, then I'll work my Taebo back in. I can't get started on both at once because working out makes me want to eat like a rabid bear. Snarling and slobbering all over while simultaneously shoving doritoes down my throat. Attractive mental picture, huh?

That being said, I headed to do some Krogering last night and stocked up on organic bananas (totally worth the dime more per pound than regular!) seedless grapes, rice cakes, green leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, fat free calorie free taste free olive oil based salad dressing, and sugar free jello. And an assload of Lean Cuisine meals because they were on sale for A DOLLAR each!! Score!

Wish me luck. I want to be digging back out those 10's before Christmas!!!!!

You will be happy to know that the first part of the week was much, much better at work. I mean, I'm still poor but in the immortal words of Alanis Morrisette, "I'm broke but I'm happy." I still haven't figured a way to manage this mountain of stress I seem to be under, but I took care of some crap this week that needed to be handled, and I actually wrote a couple of new policies as well. Hooray for Insurance Girl! Covering the un-covered for 13 years and counting! hmmm, maybe that should be my new tag line, rather than desperately seeking sanity. Although, both are applicable. I don't think my company's ad department would approve that for my chamber of commerce listing. It would be fabulously funny though. I could be photographed wrapping a trench coat around a hot, muscular young thang. I'll keep him covered baby. Yeah.

The spouse and I Communicated last night. Actually, I crawled up on his lap and was all, WTF, man? Can't a girl get some help around here with this being frugal and crap? Why you gotta diss on me and my financial planning? (yes, I realize I'm a white thirty-something who lives in the suburbs, but sometimes it helps diffuse the situation to throw down some of my ol skool roots) Anywhoo, it was determined that Sunday was all a bunch of miscommunication. He didn't know I had already laid down the law about the dollar movie. The kid just wanted to spend some time out of the house, and I just wanted to let one day go by without having to deduct anything from our checking account. Almost all of this was accomplished. We rented two movies and popped popcorn at home. Spent the afternoon/evening with the three of us just hanging out on the couch. It was nice. And we watched two new releases for the price of one freaking matinee ticket. Who's your little penny pincher??? I am!

So, I'm thinking of taking up yoga or something. I need to do something other than obsess over the job and sitting on my ass eating potato chips and then going outside to chainsmoke is just doing nothing for my figure. And my ability to Taste the chips is shot all to hell due to smoking. So, it's stupid and endless and I need something Waaay more bettered to do with my time. So, there's a new gym right down the street from my office called the ten dollar gym. Everything in it is all new and sparkly, and the best part?!? It's only ten dollars per month to join, with no contract that you have to sign. I'm totally gonna bust out the workout clothes and rock me some Taebo prior to embarrasing myself in public. But it's something I'm really interested in. Well, I have an appointment in thirty minutes ,I just finished my bar-b-que chips, and now I'm going to smoke before my customer comes in.

I will obviously need a mint afterward.